MBAs use Neuralink to revolutionize tipping

University of Chicago business students have partnered with Neuralink to revolutionize tipping in America.

Since Zoomers began flooding the labor market and earning blood money from companies like Exxon Mobil, Eli Lilly, and their dad’s favorite defense contractor, they’ve eagerly redistributed “their” wealth to anyone with a point-of-sale device and a panhandling-percentage.

This semester’s standout MBA cohort in Exploit 501: Maximize Value, Minimize Sympathy proposed a simple solution to Neuralink: make tipping great again by hardwiring Neuralink users to 1.) always select “no tip” at coffee shops and 2.) start carrying cash.

For each TA (tip avoided), Neuralink receives 5% of the coffee cost. If Neuralink assists the user in determining service was tip-worthy after the fact, the user can reward the barista with a 10% cash tip—saving at least 5% compared to traditional tipping. This bold initiative, students say, restores merit to society over participation, giving Neuralink a steady revenue stream and consumers a structured savings plan for their increasingly improbable retirement. MBA forecasts predict Starbucks will reward this new customer-driven ethos by finally offering a living wage, all without a collective bargaining agreement.

Upon hearing the students’ pitch, Elon Musk X’d “suck my balls” to Brian Nickels.

- Mittens

This is a satirical piece and is not intended to represent actual events or real statements.